Conflict of Expectation

@Icon,

Icon wrote:

It has come to my attention as of late that there are many times in life when your expectations for yourself and the expectations of others conflict. Because of this, it becomes difficult to satisfy everyone and be satisfied yourself.

My general stance on this issue is that I am going to hold my expectations for myself higher in value than the expectations others place upon me. Still, I find conflict to be distasteful and a terrible waste of time.

So I come here and I ask what others think of this issue.
What stance do you take?
Can we even attempt to please others?

Once again it is down to most things in life perspective..Can we ever be objective in our own views on a conflict that includes yourself and others close to you? I try by the" I ching" to be the perfect person but do i succeed , only a truly objective view can tell me..but my honest answer, i fail nine times out of ten.

@Icon,

Icon wrote:

It has come to my attention as of late that there are many times in life when your expectations for yourself and the expectations of others conflict. Because of this, it becomes difficult to satisfy everyone and be satisfied yourself.

My general stance on this issue is that I am going to hold my expectations for myself higher in value than the expectations others place upon me. Still, I find conflict to be distasteful and a terrible waste of time.

So I come here and I ask what others think of this issue.
What stance do you take?
Can we even attempt to please others?

I think its okay to try and please others if others have a higher expectation of you then you do yourself.

@Icon,

Icon wrote:

It has come to my attention as of late that there are many times in life when your expectations for yourself and the expectations of others conflict. Because of this, it becomes difficult to satisfy everyone and be satisfied yourself.

My general stance on this issue is that I am going to hold my expectations for myself higher in value than the expectations others place upon me. Still, I find conflict to be distasteful and a terrible waste of time.

So I come here and I ask what others think of this issue.
What stance do you take?
Can we even attempt to please others?

Hey Icon,

I'm not sure I'm aware of all the expectations others place on me. For those of which I am, I often feel a sense of obligation to fulfill that expectation if I also feel a desire to please, placate or otherwise accommodate that person.

My wife; for example: If I know she expects something of me, I'll generally try to fulfill it - as long as it's not patently absurd. This isn't because I'm a compromising or skulking creature, it's because her expectations of me as a husband are personally important. I have a bad neighbor across the street; I'm not sure I care at all what his expectations are.

And sure, we can always attempt to please others. But there are a couple of potential problems I think:[INDENT]1. Why are we wanting to please? If it is for some <thing> in return (favors, attention, acknowledgment, etc.) one might want to keep in mind that such reciprocation might not be forthcoming.

2. There is, I think, a human tendency towards not giving respect to those who are too obsequious, doting or otherwise seek ingratiation. It's like dating: The more you aggressively-pursue a potential mate - often - the more they'll 'run'. Trying to please someone's expectations is fine; but only to a point (at which time one's efforts are likely to have the opposite effect).

3. I think it's natural to want acceptance, acknowledgment and attention. Trying to live up to someone's expectations is a natural way to do this. But one must needs be careful that they - in their search for such appeasement - don't lose "themselves" by relegating their actions to the perceived desires of others. Done to the extreme; this would intertwine the concepts of personal identity too closely with the expectations of others, which is likely to only net resentment and disenchantment.
[/INDENT]As far as what *I* do: Hell if I know. I think that for those people whom I have identified with (love, owe 'allegiance' or otherwise have a bond); I do try and please them or live up to their expectations. But I have such a low opinion of "people in general" that I seem to have in my head the notion that most people just don't much notice or care. So for me, it's quite a seldom motive.

When I do set out, I very much try to keep it in mind that the receiver may or may not notice; and in so doing protect my own morbid sensitivities from the likely lack of reciprocity.

Good topic.

@Icon,

It rather depends on what it is people expect from you and do you know what they really expect.-you can only do this by openly and honestly discussing it with them. I find people make assumptions about me, i find this amazing as they dont know me very well and havent bothered to find out the facts, i really dont understand people and am confused about how they can make assumtions about me based on what they think without finding out the facts and my opinion about it, i really dont understand and am miffed. I can only let these people go.

@Caroline,

I have found that in the way of self-discovery, expectation from others is something to be overcome. However, there are of course the basic fundamentals of social life and social expectation that one needs (unless they are a hermit Razz

) to function in our human world. I believe that we should keep a rather solid foundation that is also malleable to outside ideas.

1. We should keep a solid and rational foundation that is based within the self so that we do not blindly accept the expectations of others.

2. We should keep humility in "heart" so that we may watch closely and analyze the viewpoints of others to filter beneficial ideas from detrimental ideas.

In this way we can have a stable ego and also glean other ideas for our expectations of self from others. Rather than blindly bending our expectations of self to the will of others we can analyze and implement other's ideas into our own self-expectations. This becomes much more permanent and can help us grow into more solid beings. To bow down to the will of all others and "go with the flow" is insanity. A child's expectation of me could be that I wear a white pseudo-beard, a red suit, and a small army of reindeer.

@Icon,

I personally think expectation is the killer of good relationships. Expectations needn't be reasonable, and fulfilling them can be detrimental to oneself. I used to try to please everybody and practically put myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Now I tend to please myself first and foremost and people can accept me or not as I am. This isn't to say I'm selfish or heartless, quite the opposite, but I have other capacities to inhibit such behaviour. And it goes both ways. I'm much more accepting of people than I was because I don't try and match them up with my own expectations of them. It makes life so much simpler, and less stressful.

@Bones-O,

Good point Bones.... I must say that what I was saying was quite alike but simply adding in the possible implementation of other's paradigms to our own. It is not to be self-serving, but one can not serve others in sincerity without any stability within him/herself.

@Bones-O,

Bones-O! wrote:

I personally think expectation is the killer of good relationships. Expectations needn't be reasonable, and fulfilling them can be detrimental to oneself. I used to try to please everybody and practically put myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Now I tend to please myself first and foremost and people can accept me or not as I am. This isn't to say I'm selfish or heartless, quite the opposite, but I have other capacities to inhibit such behaviour. And it goes both ways. I'm much more accepting of people than I was because I don't try and match them up with my own expectations of them. It makes life so much simpler, and less stressful.

Your right Bones but i find those who become my real friends don't have expectations they just know what to expect.My dear wife is the only one that still appears to have high expectations of me, you would think she would know better after 37 years..

@xris,

My lesson in detachment from expectation began in hearing a now favourite line in a favourite song: " I bring you miles and miles of mountains, and all you want is the sea ..."

An expectation is nothing more than an acknowledgement of the gifts that we give to one another through our words and actions. To express a displeasure in the words or actions of another is to deny the intent of the gift. The only satisfactory solution to this passing of judgement is, well, the golden rule: "Do onto others as you would have them do unto you." or as might be expressed for a new age: That which we give freely returns to us.

@Icon,

Amen to that Doorsopen.

@xris,

xris wrote:

Your right Bones but i find those who become my real friends don't have expectations they just know what to expect.My dear wife is the only one that still appears to have high expectations of me, you would think she would know better after 37 years..

That's a long-term relationship indeed... I guess you have to be stubborn when you're in for the long haul. I had more in mind friendships and family relationships which can be undone by expectations. Interdependent relationships... expectation is reasonable. You have responsibilities to others and you should be expected to honour them. Like putting the toilet seat down, for instance.

@Icon,

I would do that anyway put the lid down too, i got a thing about germs if you like coz when you flush with lid up particles go into the air, nice. Smile

@Bones-O,

Bones-O! wrote:

That's a long-term relationship indeed... I guess you have to be stubborn when you're in for the long haul. I had more in mind friendships and family relationships which can be undone by expectations. Interdependent relationships... expectation is reasonable. You have responsibilities to others and you should be expected to honour them. Like putting the toilet seat down, for instance.

My true friends about three know me so well and i them, what they expect is what they get..Its not wonderful expectations, its knowing im a ------ when drunk , caring when sober... always right..sometimes funny...etc..If act outside of there expectations it worries me as much as them..Me wrong, how silly , im never wrong..if i admit that ,that would be totally unexpected..

@Icon,

I find that the expectations of others lead, often, to disappointment. In the same way, being expected to perform and not coming through can lead to the same. I just prefer to live as I live, within my own expectations alone. In doing this, I set the bar for others to know what to expect and what not to and it limits the amount of expectation they put upon me.

Work is a prime example. I have pulled so many projects out of the depths of hell that now they expect it. As such, my job gets more and more stressful. I prefer just being able to do what I do without expectation and this usually leads to a better built, more complete, easier to use product.

@Icon,

Icon wrote:

I find that the expectations of others lead, often, to disappointment. In the same way, being expected to perform and not coming through can lead to the same. I just prefer to live as I live, within my own expectations alone. In doing this, I set the bar for others to know what to expect and what not to and it limits the amount of expectation they put upon me.

Work is a prime example. I have pulled so many projects out of the depths of hell that now they expect it. As such, my job gets more and more stressful. I prefer just being able to do what I do without expectation and this usually leads to a better built, more complete, easier to use product.

You build your own expectations by past efforts, as you have explained..If others expect more from you than can be expected, let them be disappointed.As long as you live up to your own then you can do no more.

@xris,

xris wrote:

You build your own expectations by past efforts, as you have explained..If others expect more from you than can be expected, let them be disappointed.As long as you live up to your own then you can do no more.

The problem comes in that I find myself, admittedly this is a character flaw which I am trying to get over, needing to meet the expectations of others in order to meet my own expectations of myself.

In otherwords, I don't fail very well and have had very little practice in that area.

I really think it comes down to how I was raised. In my life, my parents have not expected me to perform at my best. My parents expected me to be the best. They didn't care what endeavor it was, I had to be at the top of the list. When i was in school, my parents would be disappointed if I wasn't in the top 1%. They explained that by having such high expectations, I would push myself farther than anyone else. THat way, even if I wasn't the best, I put in more than my fair share of the effort. They said it was the only way to live. I have found this to be an excellent concept and it has helped me successful but in the same regard, it has produced problems which I have a hard time overcoming.

So what does one do when their expectation of the self is perfection?

@Icon,

I expect people to take responsibility for themselves. You cant expect from people what they cannot give, you can only expect what they can give and no more.

@Icon,

Icon wrote:

The problem comes in that I find myself, admittedly this is a character flaw which I am trying to get over, needing to meet the expectations of others in order to meet my own expectations of myself.

In otherwords, I don't fail very well and have had very little practice in that area.

I really think it comes down to how I was raised. In my life, my parents have not expected me to perform at my best. My parents expected me to be the best. They didn't care what endeavor it was, I had to be at the top of the list. When i was in school, my parents would be disappointed if I wasn't in the top 1%. They explained that by having such high expectations, I would push myself farther than anyone else. THat way, even if I wasn't the best, I put in more than my fair share of the effort. They said it was the only way to live. I have found this to be an excellent concept and it has helped me successful but in the same regard, it has produced problems which I have a hard time overcoming.

So what does one do when their expectation of the self is perfection?

You can only learn that winning or loosing is the same coin..It costs just the same to loose or win..take both with the same value and then expectations will cease to matter..

@Icon,

Icon wrote:

It has come to my attention as of late that there are many times in life when your expectations for yourself and the expectations of others conflict. Because of this, it becomes difficult to satisfy everyone and be satisfied yourself.

My general stance on this issue is that I am going to hold my expectations for myself higher in value than the expectations others place upon me. Still, I find conflict to be distasteful and a terrible waste of time.

So I come here and I ask what others think of this issue.
What stance do you take?
Can we even attempt to please others?

I think one should not change for others: Be yourself, the people who combine with your true self will stick by, those who dont will float away.

But that is really relative, if you think a change is worth a relationship with a said person, you can change, but you must be extremelly honest to yourself at this point.

xris wrote:

Your right Bones but i find those who become my real friends don't have expectations they just know what to expect.My dear wife is the only one that still appears to have high expectations of me, you would think she would know better after 37 years..

I know this is a sexist comment/joke but my father said one should never espect to understand his wife Smile

Icon wrote:

The problem comes in that I find myself, admittedly this is a character flaw which I am trying to get over, needing to meet the expectations of others in order to meet my own expectations of myself.

In otherwords, I don't fail very well and have had very little practice in that area.

I really think it comes down to how I was raised. In my life, my parents have not expected me to perform at my best. My parents expected me to be the best. They didn't care what endeavor it was, I had to be at the top of the list. When i was in school, my parents would be disappointed if I wasn't in the top 1%. They explained that by having such high expectations, I would push myself farther than anyone else. THat way, even if I wasn't the best, I put in more than my fair share of the effort. They said it was the only way to live. I have found this to be an excellent concept and it has helped me successful but in the same regard, it has produced problems which I have a hard time overcoming.

So what does one do when their expectation of the self is perfection?

No education is flawless, I suppose, even if the parents give their kinds education that they think that would have been perfect for thenselves, the kids will still think differently then they are adults. Another oddity of life Smile

I think burning out regret is a good start. One of the reasons you fell bad then you lose is probally because you are flooded by ways in wich you could have won. Off course, realizing those is good, but mourning upon then is bad. Only with the experience gained on defeat could you have won, so thinking "If I had" its useless.

Xris is right too, victory and defeat dont need to have an emotional meaning to you.

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