I just had a long conversation with a close friend of mine. In it I basically summed up why I joined this forum. I'll post a sporadic, cut-and-pasted version of some of the things I said, here. It's pretty long. Read it if you want. You don't have to do.

"It's almost like I don't see humans as humans.. only as a completely deconstructed objects where I have isolated all of their variables. I don't see humans as living things, only the emotions and feelings and ideas they represent. I don't see Obama as a man, I see him as blind hope for a young generation. I don't see Amelia Airheart as a woman, I only see her as a mystery we haven't solved yet.

That is part of it. When I was a kid, I wanted to kill my parents. Because I loved them. I knew that if I had an intensely happy moment with them, and I unsuspectingly killed them at that moment, they would die happy and I would do whatever I wanted from that point on. We'd both win.

I can't run away because I love my family too much. I know my mom and dad would be worried sick about me. But I want to so bad. I probably have some romanticized version of what "running away" means ingrained into my brain.. but I still want it. Nothing isn't romanticized at this point, anyway.

I don't get lonely. I have never been lonely in my life. I feel like I am my best friend, and really the only person I want to be around. Like humans are just another part of the equation that I don't have to associate myself with if I don't want to, and I don't want to, but I have to because it's part of the world I live in.

And I don't want to go to college. I already know what I love to do, and I already know that if I tried hard enough, I wouldn't even need it.

Right now I want to get all my money I have saved for college, some clothes and a backpack, and run away. I want to live on my own, all on my own. Which means, hunt on my own and forage on my own. As ridiculous as that sounds.

I get this urge every year.. it's funny how predictable my interests are. They never change. Every year I have the same interests. I'll have this urge for a few months.. then I'll have the urge to connect with humanity on a "normal person" level, but I'll never feel it.. then I'll have the urge to form a band and tour the world.. then back to this. It's not a big deal. Even if I rant about this, it doesn't mean I'm not happy.

I live in front of a huge forest and lake. I go out there and work out. I work out in the forest because I feel like if the whole point of working out is to make yourself physically stronger, then working out with some machine to make things easier is stupidly counterproductive. ANYWAY.

I feel, when I am out there, like I am, for lack of a less cheesy phrase, "at one with the Universe". I feel like I am finally where I'm supposed to be. I try to experience everything to the utmost. I lay down and hold onto the grass, and I smell it and look at it and put my face in it. And I hold the trees. And I cup the bugs in my hands and let them go, and I watch the clouds and stars. But I feel a nagging pull.. because my house is right there. And my parents are wondering where I am. The planet hasn't nurtured me as much as other things.. like my house, my mom. But I feel it differently.

I have these urges, and then I quell them because I don't want to hurt my parents.. but then I think back.. and how much of a man is a soldier who will not risk dying for his country because his wife might be afraid of it? How much would my mom worry if she knew I'd come home in the end, or if she knew I was happy while I was away?

And I think to myself.. that people will tell me I am being stupid or ridiculous with my far-fetched ideas.. but it doesn't matter what they think. If they have brought no feeling of union to me, I shouldn't allow them to stop me from trying other things. It doesn't matter how big the challenge is, or how stupidly far-out it might seem, because I see my will to want it as so much greater. It's not a matter of what I can do. Just what I will do.

I wanna feel something real. I look out my window and see what I can feel as real.. but it's no more real to me than a TV screen, because I am not in it. I feel like an unfeeling robot just waiting. "

Welcome to the philosophy forums Maestro. From the look of it, you have a rather curious mind, so you should fit in well here--even if you do not fit in anywhere else.

I agree with Thea.

I've said this many a time, but this is truly a beautiful place for those who have a passion for consideration and understanding. You seem to have this passion, so don't refrain from jumping immediately into one of the active threads!

Welcome to the community, and we look forward to your contributions.

Hello Maestro,

You have just describe 90% of the people on the planet Earth. The only difference between them and you is you are aware of it and they are not. You are suffering from "Extrasensory Perception". One of the longest threads here is the one concerning our "selfish nature". And let's face it, we are. This is an acquired human condition that shouldn't be there, but it is. Your problem is you expect to much from a people who truly don't know how to give. Now it's not their fault, it's how they have been conditioned and that shallowness hits you right between the eyes. Most don't even notice it.
IMO, this is not a problem if you don't make it one. Your understanding it will do you a world of good, IMO. The world needs people like you and the worst thing you can do is feel isolated. That helps no one. Let others see what "real" is and that is your genuine interest in them. Before you will be able to see what is real about them, they need to see what is real about you. Being a little more extroverted and assertive may be just what you need.
I may be all wet here, it's just what my fingers typed. If I am off base please don't hesitate to offer corrections to my thinking. Oh, and by the way extrasensory perception the way I am using it is one who is more in tune with people and the environment that surrounds them.
I hope this helped.
William