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Unfaithful Relationships

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Hi all,

I heard from an ex girlfriend today, I left her two years ago after a two year relationship, because she cheated on me, but we have been in contact since. In our conversation, I found out that she recently cheated on her new boyfriend of around 2 years (he doesnt know yet). I was dissapointed to hear this and concluded that she is not mature enough to successfully carry on a faithful relationship. I personally beleive that unless both partners agree on an open relationship, it is wrong to have sex with someone else, as the one being cheated on will get emotionally hurt to say the least. As far as I know, the girl has never been cheated on herself and so she doesnt fully understand the consequences of her actions.

I beleive that the only way for her to fully understand the pain that is caused when she cheats on people is for her to experience it herself

I have never cheated on anybody

I want her to realise the pain that she causes when she does this, not that I would enjoy her suffering, but so that in future, she is less likely to cause this pain to whoever she might be in a relationship with

Would it then be ethical or unethical, or somwhere inbetween for me to get back into a relationship with her, with the ulterior motive to then cheat on her, to make her learn?

I guess what Im trying to say goes back to old ethical questions of law and justice, humans naturally learn quickest and most effectively through pain, for example, if you get attacked by a lion and survive, you would very quickly learn to avoid lions because of the pain they can cause.

People regularly discipline their dogs for misbehaving, if your dog attacks another dog when off the leash, you would hit it to teach it that its wrong to do that.

Its the same when teaching children, if your son steals sweets from a store, you would tell him off, or yell at him or perhaps even hit him too depending on whether it is culturally accepted or not. Even telling a child off causes temporary emotional pain to some extent. The child would then learn not to steal again.

So the end question is: To what extent is it ethical to inflict pain as a disciplinary measure?

Over to you...:detective:

@mediadrug,

mediadrug;155590 wrote:

Hi all,

I heard from an ex girlfriend today, I left her two years ago after a two year relationship, because she cheated on me, but we have been in contact since. In our conversation, I found out that she recently cheated on her new boyfriend of around 2 years (he doesnt know yet). I was dissapointed to hear this and concluded that she is not mature enough to successfully carry on a faithful relationship. I personally beleive that unless both partners agree on an open relationship, it is wrong to have sex with someone else, as the one being cheated on will get emotionally hurt to say the least. As far as I know, the girl has never been cheated on herself and so she doesnt fully understand the consequences of her actions.

I beleive that the only way for her to fully understand the pain that is caused when she cheats on people is for her to experience it herself

I have never cheated on anybody

I want her to realise the pain that she causes when she does this, not that I would enjoy her suffering, but so that in future, she is less likely to cause this pain to whoever she might be in a relationship with

Would it then be ethical or unethical, or somwhere inbetween for me to get back into a relationship with her, with the ulterior motive to then cheat on her, to make her learn?

I think it would be unethical to do that. And regardless of whether it would be ethical or not, I strongly recommend that you don't do it, as it will have consequences for you as well.

mediadrug;155590 wrote:

I guess what Im trying to say goes back to old ethical questions of law and justice, humans naturally learn quickest and most effectively through pain, for example, if you get attacked by a lion and survive, you would very quickly learn to avoid lions because of the pain they can cause.

People regularly discipline their dogs for misbehaving, if your dog attacks another dog when off the leash, you would hit it to teach it that its wrong to do that.

Its the same when teaching children, if your son steals sweets from a store, you would tell him off, or yell at him or perhaps even hit him too depending on whether it is culturally accepted or not. Even telling a child off causes temporary emotional pain to some extent. The child would then learn not to steal again.

So the end question is: To what extent is it ethical to inflict pain as a disciplinary measure?

Over to you...:detective:

Rather than answer your broad question here, I will tell you how to "hurt" your ex without doing what you propose doing. Tell her current boyfriend about her cheating on him. He may, of course, not believe you, but it is likely to get him thinking about the idea and consider it as a possibility when judging her future actions.

Essentially, the ethical concept that you seem to be interested in is honesty, given that you indicate that you don't have a problem with people having relationships such that the agreement is that they may have sex with other people, and the problem occurs only when there is an agreement to not do that, and then it is done anyway. So it is essentially a matter of lying, of not keeping one's word.

@mediadrug,

Lying is not the same as not keeping one's word.

@Emil,

I don` t that normal girlfriend or wife cheat on me.

@mediadrug,

mediadrug;155590 wrote:

Hi all,

I heard from an ex girlfriend today, I left her two years ago after a two year relationship, because she cheated on me, but we have been in contact since. In our conversation, I found out that she recently cheated on her new boyfriend of around 2 years (he doesnt know yet). I was dissapointed to hear this and concluded that she is not mature enough to successfully carry on a faithful relationship. I personally beleive that unless both partners agree on an open relationship, it is wrong to have sex with someone else, as the one being cheated on will get emotionally hurt to say the least. As far as I know, the girl has never been cheated on herself and so she doesnt fully understand the consequences of her actions.

I beleive that the only way for her to fully understand the pain that is caused when she cheats on people is for her to experience it herself

I have never cheated on anybody

I want her to realise the pain that she causes when she does this, not that I would enjoy her suffering, but so that in future, she is less likely to cause this pain to whoever she might be in a relationship with

Would it then be ethical or unethical, or somwhere inbetween for me to get back into a relationship with her, with the ulterior motive to then cheat on her, to make her learn?

I guess what Im trying to say goes back to old ethical questions of law and justice, humans naturally learn quickest and most effectively through pain, for example, if you get attacked by a lion and survive, you would very quickly learn to avoid lions because of the pain they can cause.

People regularly discipline their dogs for misbehaving, if your dog attacks another dog when off the leash, you would hit it to teach it that its wrong to do that.

Its the same when teaching children, if your son steals sweets from a store, you would tell him off, or yell at him or perhaps even hit him too depending on whether it is culturally accepted or not. Even telling a child off causes temporary emotional pain to some extent. The child would then learn not to steal again.

So the end question is: To what extent is it ethical to inflict pain as a disciplinary measure?

Over to you...:detective:

I have also been cheated on , but I did not retaliate , because to do so would go aganist who I am , and that I would not allow

the keeping of quality of the self is very , very important , always

north

@Emil,

Emil;155733 wrote:

Lying is not the same as not keeping one's word.

Yes. To not "keep one's word" means to fail to fulfill a promise. Lying need not be an example of breaking a promise, as one may lie about something that does not involve making a promise, but they are both dealing with the issue of honesty. In this case, if the intention going into the relationship is to not fulfill the promise, then it is lying that one has done when one made the promise.

I suppose one could claim that it is okay to lie generally, but not okay to break a promise, though I have never heard anyone argue for that, and frankly I don't see why a promise should be truthful if there is no general prohibition on lying. But this need not be dealt with in the present thread.

@mediadrug,

I think you are all taking this story down an unintended path...

The question I meant to pose, and the paradigm from which I was approaching the situation was that of the ethics of pain as a teaching method.

Im not about to go and get with my ex just to cheat on her, its just a hypothesis and apart from anything else, I now live on the other side of the world from her lol

Im not out to get revenge as such, the situation just made me consider to what extent corporal punishment and pain as a learning tool is ethical. I hope this has clarified things so we can have a more defined scope to this discussion.

Thanks =)

@mediadrug,

mediadrug;155590 wrote:

...I beleive that the only way for her to fully understand the pain that is caused when she cheats on people is for her to experience it herself

That's a good possibility; some won't ever understand the pain they inflict until they feel it themselves. Keep in mind; though, that people cheat for different reasons and that in most cases I have personally seen, there is a deep insecurity within the 'cheater' themselves that blinds them to the damage they're doing. As long as this insecurity screams out for attention, the behavior will pursue some means of relief.

mediadrug;155590 wrote:

... I want her to realise the pain that she causes when she does this, not that I would enjoy her suffering, but so that in future, she is less likely to cause this pain to whoever she might be in a relationship with...

Would it then be ethical or unethical, or somwhere inbetween for me to get back into a relationship with her, with the ulterior motive to then cheat on her, to make her learn?

No, it's not ethical.

While her reason for cheating may be from any source(s), you'd be emotionally trapping someone for the explicit purpose of inflicting pain. This isn't ethical at all and is likely much more morally reprehensible than what she did.

mediadrug;155590 wrote:

So the end question is: To what extent is it ethical to inflict pain as a disciplinary measure?

Almost never, but it depends - the devil's in the details.

In your example of the parent disciplining a child; in that case, it's the parent's responsibility to teach that lesson (completely aside from whether or not physical assault is ok or not). For the dog; again, you're fulfilling a personal responsibility to control your animal. Is it your responsibility to teach your ex-girlfiend? For that issue, I'd leave it alone - it's the best, most responsible high-ground you can take (for both yourself and her). As an alternative, you might want to have a heart-to-heart and lay out how you feel; what she's done and how its affected you.

Interfering with her relationship by telling on her to her current boyfriend may feel just, but in so doing you interject yourself in that series of events and therefore become - in part - responsible for the outcome. You alter the flow of events that may have had a better result; there might be violence, and there is almost certainly going to be added pain. I'd suggest its not your responsibility and that you should back off and let that go.

Just my advice and thoughts. Thanks for asking

@mediadrug,

mediadrug

Some are psycotic and may not care about ethics at all, and retalliate on you.
You should not just tell her bf that she cheats on him, that could be considerd unsubstanciated roumer, which may make you look like a scored x-bf who wants to retalliate on her and take them both down. Get evidence before blowing any whistles!

If someone steals your car, you shouldn't steal his in return, that is idiocy and would be illigal aswell as immoral. 2 wrongs doesn't make a right.

@mediadrug,

Most men don't cheat because they don't have the opportunity (well, at least since they outlawed rape, anyway).

You were hurt because you couldn't find a replacement as good or better.

If you did (right away) you'd be grateful she left you.

@mediadrug,

It would be unethical fro two reasons:
1) The person with whom you cheat would have been misused. She would have been a tool to teach another person a lesson.
2) It would only be effective if you hid the plan from her and convinced her that you were getting back with her out of a desire to have a meaningful relationship with her.

Of course, there is also the question of whether your motives are honest or not. Could such a plan spring, rather than from a desire for her good, from a desire for an excuse for behavior you yourself say would be wrong. This would give you an excuse to have two sexual partners, when your usual morals would forbid this. Such a plan could have sprung from the other head. Could you even be sure of the answer?

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