polls
Help moderator... I don't see my poll. Can you help me?

Anyway... my poll question is:
What kind of difficulties did you encounter after leaving The Family International?

So embarrassing!
I didn't know anything about banking, paying social security, paying taxes, even renting a house or apartment. When I finally opened up my own bank account I was astounded as to how many options there are... my god... where the heck have I been for 30 years?

Anyway... my poll question is:


Is this the only Question. It's kinda huge and general. What didn't I have difficulty with? I'm a "FGA", so I'm not sure if this poll is addressed to me, and I think the response would be a little different that an ex-SGA, but still, similar and numerous. ET had fewer difficulties. I felt like I wanted to phone home, but, that was the family, and that was an option, but not one i was willing to take. Just getting to that point, figuring out that decision, was something I was going to stick to, was a process of being in Limbo, for about 2 years. Like in the Matrix, disconnecting all the wires, and getting to know my own skin. There is more.

Wait 3 years and buy my book

The 4 biggest issues I ran into:

Finding a job

Me: "Good evening Sir! Why, I'm a strappin' young lad full of ambition and determination. Please employ me."
Her: "I'm not a man. Fill out this here application."

..5 minutes later..

Her: "You left the education and experience sections blank and it says you're 14. You can't work in the state of California without a workers permit. Produce one of those and I'll employ you."

..2 hours later..

Me: "They won't give me a workers permit unless my parents, local sheriff and principal sign a piece of paper. I don't got any of those."
Her: "Huzzah! Slave labour! I will pay you $2.20 an hour and you can pitch a tent on my property. This is Juan. He is your boss. He doesn't speak English but his wife makes a mean taco. Hiii-yo!"
Me: "Gee thanks Sir.."
Her: "Ma'am!"
Me: "yeah.. that.."

..2 weeks later..

Her: "You can't work here no more. Juan's son is out of school and will work for $1.75."
Me: "Do I get a last paycheck?"
Her: "Nope.. you can stay on my property till next Monday though."

Finding a place to live

Me: "Good evening Ma'am! Why, I'm a strappin' young lad full of ambition and determination. Please allow me to rent a room from you."
Him: "I didn't pay for an $8,000 opperation to be called a woman. Fill out this here application.."

..5 minutes later..

Him: "This will never do. Do you even have a job?"
Me: "I plan on getting one. Did I mention I was full of ambition and determination?"
Him: "You poor kid. You can stay here. Welcome to San Fransico.."
Me: "um.. sir.. I don't feel comfortable with your hand in my pants."
Him: "Oh. In that case you can paint properties for me in exchange for rent."
Me: "Deal!"

Finding friends

Me: "Uhh.. I.. I.. Uh.. um.."
Him: "Dooode? Are you crazy or on something?"
Me: "I.. I.. I think so..";
Him: "Have you ever tried heroin?"
Me: "Naw.. b..bu..but I'd.. duh. duh.. try.."

..20 minutes later..

Him: "dude.. are you okay?!"
Me: "Who knew puking could be so much fun?"
Him: "Hey! Your stutter's gone.."

Finding a girlfriend

Me: "Hey there.."
Her: **Pepperspray** **tazer** **tazer**
Me: "aaaarrrrggh.. oooof.. *spit* gasp.. so, um... call me?"
Her: **pitter-patter pitter-patter pitter-patter** "HEEEELLP!"

this poll is for you!
Yes, this poll is addressed to FGA's and SGA's... sorry so general... just put whatever experiences you had... whether it was just living in the real world or reconnecting to your relatives or coming to terms with what the heck you did for the best years of your life.... anything!

Besides the normal of finding out what kind of work I could do, and where to do it, I had to make some major decisions concerning my children, their schooling, upbringing, health.

Initial hangups:
buying food at the store
talking on the phone for long amounts of time
freely using my real first and last name
being honest with people I've just met
knowing what I believe and not being ashamed of it
not know who in the hell the newest pop-singer is (Britney Spears? Backstreet Boys? no clue whatsoever!)
watching horror movies without feeling guilty

Not having an education has hindered my work, but I'm working to get past that.
Getting past feeling isolated because I'm no longer in a community surrounded by people (definitely past that--I love my privacy and quiet)
I don't like certain things like group events, meetings, seminars, karaoke, or being part of a 'club'.

On a more personal level I've had a lot of recent difficulties with relationships with my family, TFI has certainly done a good job interfering with that, and getting past certain issues seems to be taking longer and is harder than I thought it would be. My husband and I have had to work out various personal issues that came up after we left, as our views towards marriage, sex, relationships began to change and we began redefining ourselves and our beliefs.

Guess,it's not just the youngsters who just leave that have problems with naming the newist pop singers! (Even I know that Britney and Backstreet Boys are not "new").

We all get out of touch as we get older.

One thing I had problems with was explaining 6 and half years of my adult life (from 18-25) on my C.V. (Resume).

Employer: "And what did you do after you left school?"

Me: "I joined a sex cult."

Doesn't sound too good at interviews!!

Hi News Snoop:

My biggest problem(s) after leaving TFI were:

1 - how do I provide for 8 children with no job skills?

2 - how do I manage 8 children, the housework, the banking, the managing of funds, by myself when all that was organized for me in a commune by their leaders and/or my then husband for 19 years?

3 - how do I open a bank account when I have no credit established and no explanation as to why my credit is blank at 39 years of age.

4 - how do I get a driver's license since mine expired and I have to take the test again. I had to have my mother teach me to drive. It was like starting my life all over again, but older.

5 - how do I carry on a normal conversation with people without thinking in the back of my mind that the conversation must be geared towards bringing them to say a prayer or getting them to donate to the work. I had to reinvent my social skills. In other words, I had to relearn how to solialize.

6 - what name, address or phone number do I give a prospective employer when I tell him or her that I worked as a teacher/secretary overseas for a religious organization?

7 - how do I go to church and worship God when my God has been destroyed?

There's a few, off the top of my head.

My suggestion? Go to college, it all seemed to come together there for me.

PLEASE get them both on birth control immediately. They are going to change drastically in the next few years and they don't need a pregnancy during this time.

Also, no matter how "in love" they are with any new boyfriends, discourage them from getting married. It will take a few years to get the cult out of them and they need to first find out who they really are as a person before they make any permanent (or semi-permanent) decisions.

Getting into school was also really hard if you don't have a previous record, parental or financial assistance. I gave up on that one.

Because I left real early no one taught me how to shave. No one ever taught me how to put on a condom or about STDs.

Acheick's #5 is smack on key too and goes along with Porceleindoll's "being honest with people I've just met" thing.

I rarely see doctors when I'm sick and still haven't seen a dentist but that just might be me. As might the fact that I get panic attacks when trying to shop for anything other than food. This has become an awkward problem now that I am employed.

And now for my daily bout of imaturity and venting..

Evanman, how do you think you would feel if the interview had you saying "I didn't get to go to school because my parents joined a sex cult after leaving school?"

point taken.

I can vouch for that. Although I was able to graduate from university with a pretty decent degree . . . it was far more difficult than it needed to be. This was simply because I had zero support from anyone. The overused "I put myself through college" was written about me. :wink:

I think we, xSGAs, have developed insanely quick learning abilities. We can "thrive under any conditions" (as my aunt says when describing me to others). My strategy has been simple: Sit back and observe for a few minutes (or hours), test the waters, establish myself, run with the wolves, take control, become what others want to be, then allow the natural leader in me shine! It has worked famously so far. Of course, a touch of snobbery and superiority doesn't do any harm . . . if you know what I mean.

PS: Christianity = Paulinity :wink:

I like your strategy Thorwold.

How do I relate?
Acheick's #5 is high on my list also. There was such programming for me....I had a hard time truly relating to real people for awhile....OK, for years. I felt under pressure to get a decision from people I'd known for awhile, or bring up some kind of "witnessing" line in a conversation of any length. And this behavior was actually a way of distancing from people, or performing....it interfered w/ real friendship, real closeness, which I basically avoided and was even fearful about after encounters and "sessions" I'd endured in the Family. Arrgghh

I was not old enough to legally work.
I was not old enough to rent a domicile.
I did not have money for food and clothes.

There were a lot of other annoyances. But not having a place to sleep (other than benches outside) and eating every few days were larger annoyances.

This is your heritage as a third culture kid. If you had been raised in a military family or in a more benign missionary family or in an international business family, you are likely to have developed these same coping strategies. Growing up in an abusive cult like TFI was not a good thing, because the abuse & neglect burdened you with certain disadvantages (e.g., lack of high school education). However, growing up as a TCK may ultimately prove to be a good thing if you continue to use your unique perspective & coping strategies to your advantage. I have come to the point in my life where I appreciate having had a childhood as a TCK, but that appreciation was a long time in coming.

You guys that had to do these things have my utter respect. The fact that you had to leave on your own, without help from anyone, sleep on a bench, scrounge for food and then make something so wonderful out of your lives and the mess your parents left you with, have me completely in awe. I wouldn't have been able to do so well. I admire you all for that.

I have an idea - we could put all these stories together in a little booklet, then when The Family singers get up to sing "This little light of mine" we'll pass them out to the audience. I would loooove to do that.

I can't help but read shit like that and get filled with sadness, jealousy and rage. I try so hard. I have come so far, done so much and have fantastic plans for the future which I am well on track for. Among my many achievements, I have made almost half a million dollars in 2 years, run a company with 16 employees and done several mainstream film projects which is my dream. This month I'm opening a 3rd company so I can employ my deaf brother. About 8 years ago, I was a homeless druggy. I'm only 23.

All this and my parents don't recognize any of my achievements. They've been out of the family for a year now so trying to show my support I called my mom and we had dinner. My step dad shook my hand and never made eye contact with me until he started witnessing to me. My mom never asked me once what I did for a living. She never asked if I successfully got into school. She told me I shouldn't use as many cuss words. She asked me if I had seen a dentist, mentioned she heard I had a girlfriend (who I broke up with a few weeks before this) and then asked me for money.

I try not to get depressed but I feel like I'm working to have someone pat me on the back and say "Good fucking Job kid!" and yes, I get that from my clients all the time but in the long run they're just trying to exploit me. While I may be a natural leader, unlike Thorwald, I certainly don't feel superior to anyone. I feel scum. Like I come from a strain of bad blood or something.

I think this might be one of the last things I need to take care of before I can completely move on. Either way, typing it all out seems to be fairly therapeutic for me.