I don't really have anything helpful to say, expect I know exactly what you mean. I feel like that a lot too.

@magical junk
Thats just it. There really isnt anything anybody can SAY that would help. The worst part, most of the time, is the lonely bit. That nobody can understand/comprehend my childhood. That I avoid talking about my childhood to such lengths mostly to spare others from emotional stress. Its like they cant handle even the half of it, the "light"- version.
So being reminded from time to time that Im not the only one with all of these near-fictional (because they are so particularly fucked up) experiences/stories/memories is the best help in a way.
Thank you for your response, means more that you know.
xx

joyiam, it sounds like you need to find a therapist who deals in post traumatic stress issues. That is a good way to at least get through some of the things you have dealt with in your life. I am not a therapist, but I am guessing the loneliness comes from feeling that nobody has dealt with the same issues you have, therefore they can't possibly understand you. What I would suggest is finding people who share your likes and the positive things in your life. Repeat to yourself everyday "Everyday in every way I am getting better and better." See if you can get a copy of the dvd "The Secret" I wish you all the best.

Occasionally, especially in times of solitude, deep pangs of sadness and loneliness well up upon my breast as well. I feel apart from the world, lost along the flow of humanity which seems to have nothing to do with me. Yes... I suppose we lack what is most necessary for happiness, that is expression. In this mundane world, we can't find seem to find our proper place in the world. Or perhaps someone, who sets us alight with warmth. The only practical advice I can give is find an outlet. While it may not be in your interest, one would be surprised at how well music plays along to our soul. Especially learning music, such as piano or violin. I recommend not being on a receptive end, as not listening to music or appreciating art, but rather being the player and the artist. Reading is also a great pastime that has helped in my utter depression. Perhaps if you are in a applicable environment, nature may yield a great bounty. Basking in the evening sun or perhaps trailing the nature's path.

The emotions that come from time to time do just that, they are sporadic and, for the most part, unpredictable. I count myself very lucky to have a family and group of close friends that I love and trust. The surges of emotions related to these relationships, gratefulness and deep, warm sensations, greatly outnumber the ones related to my childhood.
With that said, the loneliness that comes at those times can be overwhelming, even standing in a room full of the people closest to me. @wene69 your guess at why I feel lonely is spot on. Therapy is really not an option anymore, I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with things, and seeing therapists wasn't for me :-) I am definitely a fan of the principle that The Secret presents though, its good to be reminded so thank you for that!
@anatol, your reply gave me goosebumps. Especially the first part. Thank you for putting those feelings into words, I feel they accurately described a considerable part of my core.
I am glad I posted here guys. Reading just these few replies has been helpful, more than I expected.

If you are perhaps interested in " The Secret ", I believe walking down along the steps of philosophy is the soundest way of appreciating the principle. " The Secret ", in it's true nature is a form of sophistry. It takes the mass of other ideas, melds it with a fine flexibility, and tempers it with the promise of compensation, ultimately emulating depth and mysticism with the intent of alluring people to pay what is rightfully yours to claim. Don't take this dishearteningly, but I speak in honest truth for your sake. The Secret in its' own right has merits, but I by character am one to pursue the whole in books, where history and literature affords me the wisdom and happiness to walk among man firm and resolved.

Personally I would recommend Ralph Waldo Emerson as a fine read, in great relevancy to the Secret,however the diction and elevation may not be to your tastes. I know much less titles than what I think I ought to know, and whatever I do know are of a much older design. However I pride myself in knowing a couple of beautiful musical pieces. I hope these may be sweet to the ears and soothing to the soul.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2r-oEyzilww (highly recommended)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N_TO85PKrE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPLvQoMPvmE ( Recommended )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IG_FY3v0uWk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhRiehvmUIk

I know what u mean bro, I feel the same all the time. I guess u just have 2 find something that makes u feel better.. Or find someone (girlfriend/boyfriend). Sometimes u can get enjoyment out of that, because of someone being interested in you. and caring for u. Remember; every cloud has its silver lining

Nope you're not alone..
Knowing others have the same struggles feels nice but it's damn saddening at the same time.

I've been out for 7 years now, went to school, made friends, have a normal life.. And yet I still can't seem to find my place. Even in the midst of very close friends the feeling of not belonging is always in the background.

Personally I don't talk about my childhood. I don't want to be labelled "ex-cult member" and for people to only see that when looking at me. It's not what defines me. At least that's what I like to tell myself, but I've got so many issues that have surfaced over the years that it's hard to hide at times. It would be nice to be understood but as you said it's too heavy a package to share, too alien to grasp.

I have a group of friends who frankly didn't have it easy either but they seem to cope so much better. They manage to be light hearted and put their sufferings aside. I just can't seem to lift the weight of it all and just be, live and forget.

One thing that would have helped would have been recognition and true profound apologies (and justice!). I don't know about you but that's probably the hardest thing about it. Cuz even when I manage to let go for a second, my feelings of anger and destructiveness just come lashing back out when I remember how they're all denying and getting away with it all, saying we're the crazy demons (parents in the lot). I know that if I could get that, I could let go and move on.

I really like your quote wene69 "Everyday in every way I am getting better and better."
I'm positive it will become easier with time.
And it's true that investing oneself in sportive, creative or other things helps a lot. When the emotions swell up I run, swim, write or create sculptures. It's important to get your feelings out of your system and not let them swirl endlessly inside and take hold of you.

I wish you all the best. Just the fact that we're still here and getting on with our lives means we're damn warriors

Falling flies shall become dragons.

The same feeling here. Just turn down a wedding invitation from a friend whom I went to the same primary school with. We haven't talked to each other for years as we have different views for things, people, value, etc. She asked me to go to the wedding just because she needs more audiences. That's not the most horrible part. The thing is that I suddenly realize, after these years, that I am still the same little girl as the one I used to be, feeling terrible and guilty by saying No to others' requests, even someone who used to bully me. The bride-to-be used to be so mean to me, making me do her homework, clean up boys' room, or I would be forbidden to talk to other girls.


I think it's OK to feel lonely, coz we are born alone. No one will always stay there for us, expect ourselves. All we can do is try to appreciate what we really have and love for the moment as nothing is everlasting. Even the feeling of being lonely will be gone when we go to the heaven.

I go through feeling lonely, I have found that by going through the pain, it passes until the next time and gets less and less. We are not really alone in reality.
it is just a feeling, I keep busy on the internet, and communicate with people, it helps..

I understand what you mean about childhood memories.
OH, if only I could go back and be a child again and know what I know now, great changes would be made., I went through alot of crap.
I hope you had good memories.

I sometimes feel lonely at home

I have made friends outside of the Family who can relate to what I went through. I don't tell people details or get into a huge backstory but when I came to work in this field I am in now, I found other young people who switched to careers or fields that they could either express themselves better or stop abuse to happening to others. ( I'm an investigator). So my best friend was raised on a "refuge" in the middle of nowwhere and abused by her parents so she became a U.S. Marshall specializing in child abuse. My other friend had been Amish but then her parents were excommunicated because her mom was abusing children so now she is also an investigator. We are not alone. Maybe not identical stories but the feelings, the frustration, the suppression is all there and the confusion. For me, it's been therapeutic to not just have side hobbies but also these friends who like me, are warriors because we went through that and are working through it but also trying to help others.
I do have a hard time discussing this stuff with my son. He has memories of family homes and questions that we are tackling as they come up. I'm trying to explain what is right to him but without defaming my parents. (I'm second generation)

@ Just for me
I do understand the feeling of how I would change things. I really do wish I left when I was 18 and got my education then or something so that I could have started on my chosen path so much earlier. I left in 2009 when family homes had already shuffled around ( but not disbanded yet) so the home was pretty supportive and used to everyone leaving by then. At least I had that going for me so I wasn't treated like I was going to hell for it. But I would change so many things , if I could only go back but keep the knowledge I have now.