touchy subject

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Reply Sat 21 Oct, 2006 10:26 am
touchy subject
Embarrassed hello,
i am new to this board so please bear with me. i have a real anxiety problem with my wife having pelvic exam or breast exam from male doctor. i dont know why this bothers me so bad, as i realize they are doing their job, but i have been this way even from my first marriage.(when i was 18, now i am 37). I actually made her switch to a female ob/gyn! i am not really a jealous kind of man, it doesnt bother me even if i know someone is flirting with her. but we have had 3 children already, and due another one, and i have asked that she also change to a female ob/gyn, after she explained her last visit to me. evidently he examed her with no one in the room, took longer than normal for the bimanual portion(thats where the doctor sticks his fingers in her vj ), was so pre-occupied he forgot to do the papsmear and had to redo that part, and it went clear through me, i became enraged so bad that i was depressed for several days afterwards. until finally my wife asked what was wrong, and i told her. she was understanding, she told me she would be willing to consider switching doctors since it botherd me that bad, but it is still bothering me, i cant concentrate on my job or anything because i am so obsessed with this. when we had our second child, the doctor used her to train a medical student, i had no idea, so when he showed up to deliver the baby in addition to the other guy, i was very uspset,i asked him to leave the room, but no one complied to my pleadings, and the guy wound up delivering our baby,i really felt betrayed after my wife explained that he had been present during examinations as well. that still bothers me. i dont know how to deal with this emotion, it is such a POWERFUL feeling of hate that i do not experience other wise. My wife and I have had intimacy problems through out our relationship, she is a little overweight so she would never let me see her naked, i think she is relly attractive to me. we have been married for five years and she still has yet to let me really "check it out". the doctors have seen more of her than I have. I suppose that this could be one of the roots of my anger about this male doctor thing, especially when we are at the hospital and i am asked to leave the room while my wife is left naked with men in the room to prepare her for the c-section. is there a way to keep other men out of the room? can you alter the consent forms to exclude all males from the room while my wife is exposed? that is my wife, and i truly feel like those "health professionals" are stealing my intamacy away from me. I dont have anyone to talk to about this, (who could you tell?) when we go to the hospital i have visions of men running around looking for any excuse to put the fingers you know where,shaving her pubic hair and sticking cathoders and stuff up there. i have even considered trying to get our consent forms modified to exclude all male staff from the delivery room. am i the only one that feels this way? i have searched the internet to try and find similar situations and came up with nothing. if anyone has any serious input i would like to hear it. i only have a few months to go. i have searched all the way to my childhood to find some event that might be triggering this emotion, but i cant remember anything on this scale. I have prayed about this everyday, but i have almost come to the conclusion that maybe i am supposed to feel this way about my wife. to me it is wrong for another man to perform this level of intimate contact with another mans wife. it really feels like this whole male doctor thing has been forced on us, even if we switch to a female ob/gyn, we have the hosptial staff to contend with, like the radiologist, the anasthetic doctor, and no telling who else while my wife is being preped for the c-section. HELP! ADVICE! please no vulgar comments about this posting. I would appreciate some serious input, and if anyone has gone through this, how did you deal with it? if you are a doctor or nurse how did you deal with the husband?

thank you all GOD bless
if anyone needs a visual of why i feel this way go to the following link and browse through it.
Edit [Moderator]: Link removed
SharpknifeRN 1
Reply Thu 26 Oct, 2006 02:25 pm
Hi, I had a lenthy letter for you on this subject that for some reason did not post here. Anyway the essence of it is "read your letter". You do have problems with jealosy. Or you would not even be asking these questions concerning your wifes gyno appointments. I honestlly could not tell you weather my wifes dr. is a man or woman. She has never said, I don't ask. That is an intensly private thing for women in my experience. They normally don't talk about it. Why is she telling you this stuff? As for the situation you discrib, I don't see anything sinister about it. To answer your question medical personel are not running around looking for excuses to do anything. We have plenty of work with out creating any. These situations are very difficult to deal with in the medical setting. Yes, they create feelings of intense hostility, in the staff. You are questioning my ethics and my profesionalism with out my doing anything to cause you to ask. Think of your feelings if you were in that situation. It is difficult for many people to realize that there are situations which occur outside of sex. This is one of them. I really don't think of women in the medical situation as sexual objects. This is not an ideal it is a reality. I have tried to figure out why, the only thing I can come up with is I really don't find anything sexual about sickness or ill health. I don't think my feelings are unusual in this. I have seldom heard any nurse or Dr, say they found a pt attractive.
As for your problems with intamacy, try counciling, this really might be the root of your problem as you say.
Reply Sat 4 Nov, 2006 09:07 am
touchy subject
i 'm rewriting this i can't seem to find the reply i posted. you are not crazy.
the dr. is arrogant. 99% of the dr.'s i work with want a pleasant physician
patient- family relationship. if they thought they were making you uncomfortable, they would address it right then. no doctors i have worked
with would ever think of not having a female in the room with him when
doing a pelvic exam. i worked for a urologist who occassionally would
get the overprotected husband in, it did make him nervous. but after relaying
his fears with an appropiate dr. / nurse and professionalism that this is
what were doing and why were doing it and where were doing it and added
the husband's involvement into data gathering ect. none of the husbands
felt worried at all by the end of the exam. and actually aided in treatment.
i think this hatred toward the dr. sounds like it is overcoming you and i feel
it may be affecting your daily responsibilities. and that's an obsession,
and obsessions sometimes come out when your stressed. you have a new
baby and with it comes all the obligations and worries about this child
until you die. and it can be a little scary your life is forever changed. for the better i might add. talk with your own dr. about this obsessive/comp
disorders aren't all about cleanliness they also come with intrusive thought
that drive you nuts. let's face it the guy didn't sex assault your wife. your
intimacy with your wife can be worked on little by little. that's what makes
marriage exciting. you don't get all the goodies at once. you hang around
you end up getting more than you ever wanted. my husband and i have been together for 26 years. are sex life keeps getting better and better
be slow with your wife, follow her level of comfortableness after all you
married her she hasn't changed, your needs have. take care you sound
like you are a wonderful sensitive guy!

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