PCRICK

The breathing that you are describing is called "Cheyne-Stokes Respirations." This is not good. It sounds like your father-in-law needs help, but...

Before you jump the gun and call 911 or do anything aggressive, ask your husband and your mother-in-law some questions:

1. Why hasen't she taken him to the doctor or the hospital?
2. Is he suffering?
3. Does he want to die?
4. Has he ever said what to do or NOT do if this situation were ever to occur?

If you call 911 or bring him into an ER, he will be treated aggressively to help him with his medical problems. She can make him a DNR or restrict the resuscitative options, but there is not reason in this day and age for someone to suffer to death. Even if he is allowed to die, he should do it comfortably with pain management and oxygen.

And remember that if death is what he wanted and he made this clear to his wife who is honoring his wishes, it's okay, just tell everyone so that all of you are on the same page and can support one another.

BUT if you get a dumb-ass answer like, "He'll be okay, he just needs to rest." Call 911, he's dying!

Good luck!

fatherinlaw in trouble
We know that my father inlaws wishes are DNR, no tubes nothing, but that is all we know. My mother inlaw is not telling us anything else, and what we know is what she is telling us, not the doctor or anyone else. We respect his wishes, but feel there could be something else done to help him. He was in ICU a couple weeks ago for the heart attack, but now my mother inlaw refuses to take him back to the hospital for anything. I feel a doctor should be seeing him as his symptoms are very different now than before. Also, I have seen cheynne stoking before, but this looks different. He actually wakes up when he starts breathing and tries to talk to whom ever might be there. Is that the same thing?? He is awake when the breathing stops, and sitting up in a chair, then fades out then comes back when the breathing starts. It is like he starts staring into space when it starts, but does not try to keep from stopping breathing. it is like his brain is shutting off for a minute, then comes back on, and he inhales like he has been holding his breath for ever.
We know he wants to stay at home, but he is only 65 years old. this really is tearing the family apart, and I am just trying to make sense of his symptoms, as she is not giving us any information. long story, but i believe she wants him to die and not do anything about it, not matter how he suffers because he is obviously suffering.

First of all, this situation sucks and I'm sorry for you, your family, your father-in-law and your mother-in-law.

Your mother-in-law is the legal durable power of attorney over his health care and any decision related to his health care. That's how the law works. So to prevent any further "... tearing the family apart..." you need to quickly figure out how to work with her and not against her.

Again, you need to find out the answers to the questions:

1. Why hasen't she taken him to the doctor or the hospital?
2. Is he suffering?
3. Does he want to die?
4. Has he ever said what to do or NOT do if this situation were ever to occur?

Add one more question: Does SHE want him to die?

That sounds aweful, but sometimes wanting the person you love to rest in peace can be a very loving and generous sacrifice. If he and she wants him to die, then they need hospice; where a nurse comes in and helps the family care and comfort your father-in-law until he passes.

Remember that your mother-in-law needs your love, support and UNDERSTANDING right now. NOT judgement. Ask her what you can do to make things easier for HER right now. Ask her how you can help. She can see what is going on with her husband and she knows how sick he is, but she'll never open up to you or her children if every time anyone approachs her it's with two guns loaded! In regards to getting information out of your mother-in-law, think of it this way; you've tried breaking down the front door and that didn't work. Now try sneeking in through the back door by using compassion and understanding to help her and your entire family.

She probably doesn't realize all the options available to her and her husband. And I'm sure she just doesn't want to lose control.

Remember that in the end, no matter what she, your father-in-law or family decide; when it is time for him to pass, he will.

Best of luck... you're going to need it!

THANK YOU!
WELL, TODAY HOSPICE WAS ALLOWED INTOTHE HOUSE. PRAISE GOD!
THEY SAID SOMETHING DID HAPPEN AFTER HE LEFT THE HOSPITAL AND IT DOES LOOK LIKE A CVA. WELL, NOW HE IS GETTING ROXANOL FOR COMFORT AND THAT IS WHAT WE ALL WANT IS FOR HIM TO BE COMFORTABLE. WE WANT HER TO BE COMFORTABLE TOO, AND REALIZE THAT SHE IS DOING THE BEST SHE CAN, AND MAYBE DOESN'T REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS FOR US TO STAND BY AND WATCH. ANYHOW WE DID FIND OUT THAT HE HAS NO POA, AND THAT IT CAN BE ASSUMED BY ANYONE AT THIS POINT. MY HUSBANDS OLDEST BROTHER IS GOING TO ASSUME POA FOR NOW AND THAT IS A GOOD THING. AS FAR AS A LIVING WILL, WE DO NOT KNOW IF HE HAS ONE. MOM HAS TOLD US THAT HE DOES,BUT HAS NOT SHOWN IT TO ANYONE. ANYHOW AT LEAST HOSPICE IS IN CONTROL NOW AND HE IS GETTING THE APPROPRIATE CARE HE NEEDS AND DESERVES. MAYBE THROUGH ALL THIS SHE CAN GET SOME HELP TOO. THANKS AGAIN FOR THE ADVISE.